Yummy Mummies, Raunchy Milfs . . . And Mortified Kids
Sunday February 4, 2007
CAN the term "yummy mummy" please curl up and die? Off to the graveyard of tired pop culture cliches. The metrosexual will be there waiting with open arms.Yummy mummy is not a term beloved by most mothers. Our general feeling is this: raising children is challenging enough without the expectation you must look hot while you're doing it. What? So you don't resemble Heidi Klum when you drop the kids to soccer? Shame on you. Pull your socks up, get a blow-dry, some Botox, $2000 worth of casual cashmere separates and some tight jeans immediately. What the word "supermum" was to the 1980s (bleurgh), yummy mummy was to the '90s. But it's a new decade and we need some new buzzwords. One that's been kicking around for a while is the MILF. I guess you could call the MILF the yummy mummy's raunchy sister, MILF being an acronym for "Mum I'd like to know in the biblical sense".Sexual attractiveness to teenage boys is the key feature of the MILF, who is often the inappropriate lust-object of her kids' mates. The acronym may be new but MILFs are not. My mother was a MILF. When she'd drop my older brother to high school, he'd get admiring looks from other boys, impressed not only by his hot older "girlfriend" but that she had a car.Of course if it's your mother who's the MILF, it's not impressive, it's mortifying. My brother was certainly less than thrilled by the comments. It's hard enough to deal with the evidence that your parents actually had sex (i.e. your existence). But having to deal with your friends thinking unnatural thoughts about your mother? That's just too many shades of wrong.I know one MILF whose 14-year-old daughter insists on being dropped two blocks from all school and social activities so as not to have to deal with the leery comments from her male classmates.And at the extreme end of the scale, spare a thought for Pamela Anderson's two sons, who are destined to cop it as they get older in a way that Cate Blanchett's sons certainly won't. A sex tape on Mum's CV is a faster track to kiddie therapy than, say, an Oscar.Scratch the surface of your childhood memories and you may recall a MILF. "I went to school with a guy who's mum was the town hairdresser," remembers one friend from country NSW. "She was the classic hot '80s MILF with stone-washed, spray-on jeans, blonde perm, hot coral lipstick. Real pretty. After hanging out at his place after school, his friends used to tell him they were going home and then camp on his roof to watch through the skylight as she got nude for her evening bath.""We had a MILF at my school," recalls another friend who went to a Jewish high school. "She'd always come and volunteer at the tuckshop. Boy oh boy did the guys line up to buy their kosher pickles from her!"Ah, the tuckshop. It wasn't just the birthplace of tuckshop arms, it was also the place where many an adolescent male crush was born. "My mum was a mega-MILF," says a friend with the surname McDonald. "Whenever she did tuckshop at my brothers' school, all the boys would line up to be served by her. They called it the Mrs MacSnack. The line to be served by mum was always really long and mum would get embarrassed and feel bad for the fat mums getting no love."But what happens when schoolboys grow up? "A few years ago, my brother had a party at our place," cringes one friend whose mother was a MILF. "One of his best mates got smashed and cracked onto my mum. She would have been pushing 50 at the time. This guy was young and cute and, ooh, about 25. Eeeuw. Mum was a bit flattered and a bit horrified. She'd known him since he was six. He never did come over to our place again."My favourite story is this one, told to me by a single 27-year-old colleague. "Last month I bumped into this guy who'd lived next door to me when I was 10. He was about seven years older than me and I'd had a big crush on him. Anyway, he seemed so happy to see me again and I thought it was sweet how he kept asking about my family. He bought me a drink and I told him how Mum and Dad got divorced years ago and caught up on his life. Just before I left, he gave me his card. I was stoked! Until he said, 'Please can you pass on my card to your mother? She was such a beautiful woman, I'd love to see her again'."Child rape scene disturbingThere's a movie called Hounddog that was shown at the Sundance Film Festival starring 12-year-old child actor Dakota Fanning. It features a scene where her character is raped. "It's not a rape movie," Fanning said last week. "It's called acting. I'm not going through anything." While the scene is reportedly not graphic, it is disturbing to think of the implications for a young girl preparing and shooting an imaginary rape. Yuck.Cheeky Chachi a potent forceScott Baio - aka Chachi - has lived a full life. He lost his virginity to his on-screen love Joanie (Erin Moran) at 16. He dated Pamela Anderson. But in his autobiography, my favourite revelation is the one in which then 51-year-old Liza Minnelli propositions him. "I really want your sperm," he recalls her saying. "I was incredulous. 'What are you gonna do with my sperm?' 'Well, I'm going to take my egg and put it into somebody else's body.' " As one does.
© 2007 Sun Herald